Honoring Love and Loss During the Holidays
For many people, this time of year is one of joy and celebration. They may feel warm inside when they see stores putting out their holiday collections, or neighbors displaying their seasonal decor. They may even talk with their co-workers and friends about their plans for the holidays: seeing family, giving and receiving gifts, and maybe carrying out some traditions. For many others, these topics may weigh heavily on their stomachs and cause a lump in their throats. Although this could occur for a number of reasons, one of the most common is grief. Grief as a stand-alone process is hard to process and go through; grief around the holidays is its own special kind of hard.
Whether it’s been five months or 15 years, the unique feeling of remembering loss on holidays never goes away; it just lessens in intensity. Over the last 10 years, I have lost 3 very important people to me, so this is a feeling I've become quite accustomed to. Through my lived experience and training in grief counseling, I have come to know that grief is a very personal process. By this, I mean that no two people grieve the same. The “stages” of grief are not stages, nor are they linear; they are states of being. That said, there are still some universal truths about grief. Grief changes everything. Grief changes your behaviors, your routines, your sense of self, your sense of purpose, and so much more. Grief doesn’t end; rather, it reconciles. One of the key components to reconciling our grief is letting two things be true at once. This could sound like
“I appreciate the people I love, and I am still aching for the ones I’ve lost.” or
“I’m surrounded by love, and I still feel lonely.” or even
“I want to honor my grief and allow myself to feel joy.”
These statements seem to directly conflict with each other, right? That is the whole point! Grief is messy and complex, and never any one thing at once. We can miss someone so much and be mad at them for dying; neither feeling negates the other. We just hold space for both of them.
Nobody has coping with grief down to a science, but I’d love to share some potentially helpful insight around grieving during the holidays.
It’s okay to set boundaries. Yes, you can say no to that family dinner or your friend’s holiday party. No, this doesn't make you a bad person.
Find meaningful ways to honor your lost loved one, no matter how small that may be. It’s normal to want this person here. Finding ways to continue that bond during the holidays is important.
Shift from celebration to connection if that is what feels right in your heart. It’s totally normal to feel like celebrating during the holidays isn’t appropriate without your deceased loved one. See what it feels like to shift the focus to connection.
Find your safe people. Grief is so heavy; surround yourself with people who help you carry it.
Give yourself permission to rest. Grief is exhausting, no matter how long it has been.
Recognize your resilience; it’s okay not to want to be this strong, while also honoring that you are.
Finally, be gentle with yourself; you deserve it.
“Where there is deep grief, there is deep love.” May that love be what carries you through the season.
