Why so much anger?
In this week’s blog post, I will be discussing anger. For some reason, Americans are more comfortable expressing anger than they are any other feeling. This has become more and more apparent as we’ve encountered the seemingly insurmountable challenges of the year 2020. We’ve been faced with a pandemic. Some people are angry with anyone who tries to tell them how to live to protect themselves and others from COVID-19. On the other side, people are angry with anyone who is not following those protective recommendations because they feel like those people are intentionally and selfishly spreading the disease. People are angry about stores being closed, restaurants being closed, not being able to get haircuts, having to wear masks. People have lost jobs, lost loved ones, and some have lost hope. Some people are also getting angry about the injustice that is occurring towards black Americans. Others are angry that black Americans and their friends are standing up for their rights. People are getting angry that people are getting angry.
So what is anger?
https://kateswaffer.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/screen-shot-2015-08-07-at-8-21-46-am.png
Above is a link to an image that I use in my therapy practice with children and families. In this image, you can see where anger is the result of having other feelings that were not properly addressed and managed. For example, if a person is sad and they stuff that feeling inside, then later, something happens that is upsetting to them, it gets released as anger rather than as sadness. The same goes for guilt, frustration, fear, etc. So when we don’t address our underlying feelings, they come out as anger. Some people have practiced this so much, that almost every negative feeling they feel comes out as anger, sometimes within a split second of having that first feeling. It happens so fast they don’t even notice it. It’s important that when we get angry, we take a step back and look at what we were feeling right before the anger. Were we disappointed by something that happened? Were we anxious or embarrassed? Were we frustrated or feeling guilty? Once we can notice what those feelings were and can address those feelings, then we will notice that we are feeling angry less often and less intensely. It sounds too simple, doesn’t it?
I often relate taming our feelings to taming wild animals. Think about what you do when you bring an animal into your home for the first time. The first thing you do is name it. By naming it you are showing mastery over it. You are making the decision that this animal is yours and yours to tame. So when we have feelings, we need to name those feelings. Like in the movie “Inside Out”, we have Joy, Fear, Sadness, Anger, and Disgust. There are so many other feelings we have as well. Once you name them, you own them, AND can manage them.
Some people might feel that they need to feel angry in order to get things done, in order to fight the good fight. I would respectfully disagree with that. We can feel afraid and still press forward to be sure we try to fix whatever is making us afraid. We can be worried, and work beyond the worry to solving what is at issue. We can feel jealous and work on overcoming that jealousy. In fact, I would challenge you to consider that feeling the underlying feelings in a more raw manner, acknowledging them, naming them, and taming them will help you fight the good fight even more effectively than if you are fighting out of anger.
Why is it more acceptable to feel anger than to feel the many other feelings that are behind anger?
For some reason Americans have been raised to hide our feelings. Children get the brunt of this. How often are children told not to cry? How often are kids told to grow up and stop acting like a baby? And then as adults, men especially, are told not to cry. Men are told they are sissies if they cry. This indirectly also puts women down, insinuating that women are weaker than men because they do cry. So women have started stuffing their feelings too. Women are afraid to cry in the workplace because they don’t want to be looked down upon for having “weak” emotions. Somehow we have created a culture that thinks that not having feelings is a sign of strength, and if you do have a feeling that is negative, we will only accept it if it is anger.
Well, here’s another challenge for you. What if I told you that crying is good for you? What if I told you that crying releases chemicals in the brain that actually help you to feel better? What if I told you that stuffing those feelings that make you want to cry actually increases your chances of having physical health problems? We need to let ourselves feel our feelings, whatever they are, no matter how uncomfortable they are, however uncomfortable they make other people feel. We need to feel them, name them, accept them, and then figure out what we need to do with them.
Usually our feelings are telling us something that we need to know. They tell us when we are in danger, whether that is physical danger or emotional danger. They tell us when need to take an action to protect ourselves or those around us. So once we know what our feelings are telling us, we then need to stop and think, what should we do about it? If I’m in danger of being hit by a car, I should get out of the way. If I’m in danger of failing a class, I need to do my homework, study, or seek help. If I’m in danger of losing someone I love, I might need to make amends and try to fix that relationship, or I might need to accept that it’s necessary to lose them and let them go. Our feelings are important. If we don’t acknowledge them, we can’t make things better for ourselves and those around us. By jumping to anger, we risk hurting people we love and care about. We risk hurting ourselves. We risk destroying what is precious to us or to other people. By ignoring our feelings, we risk our health.
So the next time you are angry, think back to what you were feeling first. Feel that feeling. Name that feeling. Decide what that feeling is telling you. Then fix what you can fix. Seek help if any of these steps are too daunting to do alone. It’s a lifetime of bad habits we are trying to change, so if you can’t do it alone, there is no shame in that. Seeking help is yet another sign of strength, not weakness as you may have been taught. It takes much more courage to ask for help than to not… You are not alone in this. Help is available. You can call 607-761-7782 or email Kristin@ChildrenAndFamilyCounselingServices.com.
I wish you all peace and happiness… and a step towards healing…