Grief, a journey to find a new normal

Last week I wrote about anger and how anger stems from not addressing other initial difficult feelings. Today I would like to talk about grief, one of those feelings that is often neglected and misplaced. Grief is something that we all go through, more often than we realize. Most commonly, people think of death of a loved one when they think of grief. And that is definitely true. That is one of the more intense times that we feel grief. Often times we do not recognize that we are grieving when we experience other losses. For example, when there is a divorce, we grieve the loss of a relationship, a change in family structure, and a change in financial stability, to name just a few. Other losses we may experience in a lifetime are changing jobs, moving to a new home or changing schools. All of these losses cause feelings of grief as well. When we move to a new house, we might grieve the comfort of the home we had been in. We might grieve the stability of neighborly friendships we had in our previous neighborhood. We might grieve because we are leaving behind people we care about. The last time I moved, I realized I was grieving the loss of recognizing people in the stores where I shopped. None of the cashiers knew me in my new town. As I was here longer and started to recognize those people, I started to feel more at home. When we experience any major change, we need to recognize our grief and allow ourselves to feel those feelings so that we can heal.

Many people don’t recognize that what they are feeling right now, during this pandemic and during this time of racial unrest, is grief. We are grieving the comfort we felt when we could go out in public and not think about the potential germs that could be spread while we are out. We’re grieving the loss of entertainment that we are accustomed to. Many are grieving the loss of jobs and financial stability. Others are grieving the loss of loved ones. We’re also grieving the loss of the false sense of security we felt when racial tensions were just a whisper rather than a scream for change. For those of us who are white, we are grieving because we are faced with the reality that our sense of security is based on the insecurity and powerlessness of people of color. We are grieving because for equality to happen, we need to feel insecure for a period of time until a new way of co-existing can be established. Our comfort is being brought into question as others are trying to have a chance at obtaining the same level of safety, comfort, and security that we enjoy. People of color are grieving for all the years the American Dream has been mainly attainable by white people with only a select few exceptions. They are working to turn the dream into one that is attainable to them as well, so that it’s not a handful of success stories, but an equal balance of success stories.

Often people talk about the stages of grief. Kubler-Ross presented in her book On Death and Dying the five stages of grief as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Often people get confused and think these stages come in order and once you have gone through them you are done. Unfortunately grief is not that simple. Depending on the strength of the attachment connected with the loss, the grief process can come and go through these various stages over and over again, in no particular order. A person can feel they have gotten to a good place in the acceptance process and another loss will occur and they find themselves grappling with their initial grief again. Or hearing someone talk who is in the initial raw stages of grieving can bring someone right back to those raw feelings they once felt. The amount of time a person goes through the stages might be less the second time around, or they might not go through all of the stages again, but the feelings are all still very real.

In the book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, David Kessler proposes there is another stage beyond acceptance. The sixth stage of grief he proposes is meaning. Some will argue that there has not been enough research to back this theory. I am not here to argue with that. I am here to say that I certainly have seen this as a stage that many grief stricken people have gone through. I myself, after my daughter died from leukemia, started a not for profit organization to raise money for families whose children have cancer. Some of the people local to the Binghamton area, know that Alexis Pleus started Truth Pharm after her son died, in an attempt to reduce the number of deaths related to overdose. And I would argue that the Black Lives Matter community has begun an attempt to find meaning in the losses that black people have experienced for generations, by not allowing their brothers and sisters to have died in vain; and by insisting that their children be able to grow up without fear of racism and oppression in a country plenty big enough and plenty smart enough to be able to allow all people to live with and equality.

I was very fortunate, after losing Clara, to be able to be a part of a support group run by Sister Rose Troy in Utica, NY. She taught me so much about the grief I was feeling. She made me feel like I was not going crazy, I was just going through, understandable and appropriate, albeit terrible, pain. She gave me hope that I could come out the other side. She explained something so important to me. She explained that there is no avoiding the pain of grief. We ”can not go over it, under it or around it, we can only go through it”, if we want to heal. People certainly try to ignore their grief. They try to stuff it away and pretend it’s not there. But if we do that we only make ourselves sick, physically and mentally. And we’re really only delaying the inevitable. And how we go through the grieving process is different for every person.

One of the support group members at the time (I feel bad that I don’t remember her name) explained how the grief changes over time. She held her hand up in front of her face and said, at first my son’s death was right here, it was all I could see. Very slowly she moved her hand to the side and placed it on her shoulder to represent how in time the thoughts and images of her son who died moved from being right in her view to moving to the periphery, where he is ever present on her shoulder, but not stopping her from being able to see the world in front of her. That was such a powerful image and so true to what grief is like. At first it’s all we see, feel, and think about, but in time we start to heal and those images, feelings, and thoughts become more manageable and less painful. So don’t be afraid to bring up the name of someone who died or to bring up the topic of loss. The person who is grieving is carrying that everywhere they go. It is often a relief to be able to share about the experience. And hearing the name of a loved one is a gift not a burden. They will tell you if they don’t want to talk at that moment. But ignoring the grief doesn’t in anyway take the pain away. It just makes it harder to bear.

People often ask what they can do to support someone who is grieving. The biggest thing you can do is be present with that person. Grief is a terribly lonely time. People are present during the initial loss. For example, if it’s a death, people attend the funeral and provide food for the grieving family. If it is a house fire, people flood the family with gifts and donations. Or, if it’s a divorce, friends support the spouse who is feeling betrayed and left behind. But shortly after all those wonderful gestures, people go back to their normal lives. They go to work, go to school, get busy with their families, and the grieving person is still grieving. They can’t understand how life is going on when they feel like it should stand still and wait for them. So keep visiting. Keep calling. Keep sending reminders that you care. Maybe don’t keep sending pasta, that becomes old after a while, but food that doesn’t require much work is nice. Send some help with cleaning the house (unless the person grieving is one of those people who cleans to feel better.) Spend time with the children, they are in such need of love and attention while their parent is grieving. Just being present is important. Listen, don’t give advice. Listen, don’t judge. Listen to the stories over and over again, just listen. That is where the healing lies.

Eventually the person who is grieving will find a new “normal”. Often people will talk about wanting their lives to get back to the way it was, but in reality, that is not possible. Nothing is going to change the fact that whatever the loss was has happened. The grieving person has to go on to living their lives in a new way. They need to establish new routines, new coping strategies, and possibly even find new friends and family. Things won’t be the same, but it doesn’t mean that things will never be good again. Things will be different. And there may even be some things that are better. But you won’t be able to see that at first. Don’t listen to people who say “things only happen for a reason” or “God wouldn’t give you more than you can handle”. These statements aren’t true. Things happen. We don’t always have control over what happens. What we can control is how we respond. And saying God wouldn’t give you more than you can handle totally blames the person who is grieving for being too strong. So try to avoid the cliches and just be present and listen.

If you are grieving and are feeling stuck, like it is not getting an easier or any better, and it still feels totally unmanageable, please reach out for help. You are not alone. You are deserving of love and care. You are in your cocoon getting ready to heal and transform into the new you, whomever you decide that will be. I am here to help you during that transformation process. Please don’t hesitate to call or write.

607-761-7782 or Kristin@ChildrenAndFamilyCounselingServices.com.

I wish you comfort and healing…and hope for your new normal.