Change is so stressful
Two weeks ago I explained how not addressing underlying feelings leads to anger, and how if we acknowledge our feelings and cope with them when we first have them, then we don’t necessarily have to jump to feeling angry. Last week I talked about grief. Grief is just one of the many possible underlying feelings that is often suppressed and left to fester to be dealt with later on, with much larger consequences as a result. This week I would like to talk about stress. There is good stress and bad stress. Regardless of which type of stress we are experiencing, we need to use positive coping strategies as the stress arises in order to maintain good mental health and not feel so angry.
According to the Mirriam-Webster Dictionary, stress is “a state… of bodily or mental tension resulting from factors that tend to alter an existent equilibrium”. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/stress Here I will mostly be talking about mental tension, but physical tension is also important to manage. I will focus on the part of the definition that states that stress is the result of “factors that tend to alter existent equilibrium”. Basically, this is saying that stress is the result of change. Change is constantly happening around us. We as individuals are constantly changing as we grow and age. Change occurs with each new season. Change occurs with each new milestone. Change is one of the few constants in our lives. Therefore, we are constantly experiencing stress.
Some stress is good stress. Stress motivates us to do the things we need to do. The stress of needing food forces us to get up in the morning and go to work so that we can afford the food we need in order to feed ourselves and our families. The stress of needing to love and be loved makes us reach out to family and friends during their times of need, so that they are present for us during our times of need. Even good stress can cause changes in our emotions. For example, my family is currently getting ready to go on vacation. In order to prepare for this we need to plan, pack, and travel. All of this is a change in our normal routine. There is stress involved in this process. And my family, predictably, will start getting grumpy as we are loading the car and trying to remember all the last minute things that we forgot to pack. We all need a vacation. We have been cooped up in our house for far too long with the pandemic happening. We need a change of scenery. We need new things to think about and different things to do. So even though we are experiencing a good stress, we are still going to get grumpy just before we leave. We know that is going to happen. It happens every time we go away. Hopefully, by talking about it in advance and talking through it as it is occurring, we can reduce the amount of hurt feelings that happen as a result of that stress. And if we think about that end prize of arriving at the lake and being free from our worries of home, we should be able to manage our feelings and actions more appropriately.
Some stress is bad stress. For example, the Coronavirus has caused an unbelievable amount of stress on individuals, communities, and the larger world. We’ve had to change so many things about what we do, how we do it, and who we do it with. This has been very hard for so many people. So much so that people are fighting and arguing on social media, on the news, and as things open back up again, in person. This fighting is the result of unmanaged stress that has lead to feelings of frustration and anger. Although we do not have control over so many of the things that are happening in our lives right now, we do have control over how we respond to the stress it creates. If we can cope with the feelings caused by the stress, before those feelings lead to anger, we can see better outcomes.
Life is not easy. Change is a natural part of life. Change is stressful. Human nature tries to have us hold on to our current ways of doing things. Growth occurs when we can let go and embrace the change. That is not easy and requires practice. We will fall down sometimes, and that is okay. Our family and friends can help lift us back up and head us down the right path again.
Change is hard. Humans are not good at change. But if managed well, change can cause tremendous growth. Look at what is happening with the Black Lives Matter movement. People are talking about racism. People are learning. People are coming together to find out how they can make changes to improve the quality of life for black people in our country. Some changes are small, but all of them have the potential of leading to systematic changes to bring equality that is long overdue.
There are many ways to cope with stress. Some of the ways that people cope with stress have negative health, relationship, and/or legal consequences and likely don’t help resolve what is causing the stress. Smoking, excessive alcohol consumption, using drugs, eating comfort foods, and compulsive shopping are all examples of negative ways of coping with stress. Exercise, deep breathing, listening to music, talking to a friend, reading a book, and drawing are examples of positive ways to cope with stress. We need to have a plan for how we are going to cope, so that we are more likely to make healthy choices in our coping, rather than reaching for our negative standbys that we know do not make things better for us.
When stress becomes overwhelming, that is when we need to reach out and ask for help. Sometimes that might mean taking a break from a stressful situation, like asking to take some scheduled time off from work. Sometimes it might mean having a babysitter or grandparent come and watch your kids so that you can do what you need to do to calm down and relax. Sometimes it might mean calling a therapist and seeking some new insight into how to cope. Whatever it is you need, it is perfectly okay to ask for help. No one is meant to go through this life alone. Together we can get through anything.
One simple thing that we can all do to reduce the stress that we are feeling during this very difficult time in history, is to unplug ourselves from the news, social media, and other forms of information that are bombarding us with negative images that cause negative feelings. I realize that we need to stay informed so that we know what we need to do to keep ourselves, our families, and our communities safe. Rather than keeping our phones on and letting them alert us all day long about what is happening, schedule 15 minutes to a half hour a day to read the news and catch up on what is going on in the world, and then turn it back off. We need to focus on our families, on our communities, and on our own mental health. The information will still be there. We don’t need to be hit with it every second of the day. You can return phone calls, texts and emails during that designated time. Of course, you need to keep doing your job and following up on your work responsibilities. I’m referring to the extra stuff that we keep looking at all day long that doesn’t help us do our jobs; that doesn’t help us become better people; and that certainly does not help us maintain good mental health. It’s okay to disconnect. It’s okay to take time for you. You are the only you we’ve got.
May this change of season from spring to summer include more good stress than bad, and include lots of positive coping strategies. So let’s all support one another in our quest to grow through change . Let’s work together to simplify our lives. Let’s smell the flowers, practice cloud busting, notice the beauty around us and just breathe…