Changing from hate to love…

In the past few months hate has been raising its ugly head in so many formats. We’re seeing it on TV, on social media, in political debates, in decision making at very high levels of public administration, and in families. There are a lot of people who are feeling comfortable expressing their hatred of people for the color of their skin, for their sexual orientation or gender identities, for taking precautions to prevent spreading coronavirus, for not taking precautions to prevent spreading coronavirus, for supporting Trump, for not supporting Trump… The list goes on and on. Some of these issues have existed from the beginning of time. Others are new. What is not new, is that hatred comes out of fear. Fear comes from not understanding. And not understanding is something we can take control of and change. Hatred is not necessary. Hatred is the result of not taking the time to learn and get to know people or situations better. It is the result of accepting preconceived notions that are not based on fact or at least not based on all of the facts.

I know that some people will have difficulty hearing this. Some people have experienced some horrible things in their lives and feel intense hatred towards the people who have done them wrong. Many will say this hatred is understandable or reasonable in these situations. And I am not going to argue that. What I will propose is that the wrong person suffers from the hatred in that situation. The person who was victimized is carrying around feelings that can cause them mental and physical anguish, and can impact their ability to love and be loved in the present and in the future. It might take many years and a lot of hard work to move beyond that hatred, but to truly heal, they will need to do that.

But going back to the kind of hatred I’m referring to, the kind that is currently tearing us apart, we need to get to know one another, learn from one another, and take the risk of loving one another. When we think about the word hate, we often think of it as being the opposite of love. We think that if we hate someone we could never love them in the future or could never have loved them previously. When in reality hate is very closely connected to love. Both are very intense feelings. Both feelings often result in irrational behavior. Sometimes hate comes before love and other times it comes after love. The former occurs when people meet under unfortunate circumstances and after they take time to understand one another, the intense hate can change to intense love. You see the latter in situations such as divorce. It’s not that there was never love , but when the intense love changes, whether it be because of unfaithfulness, jealousy, or for whatever reason, it sometimes turns to hate.

So what can we do to turn hate into love? One of the key things we need to do is to take time to get to know people. Listen to their stories, hear about where they come from, take time to feel their pain. After we get to know people, for all that they are, it is much harder to hate them. We might not agree with all that they do or all that they believe; and no one is asking us to do that. But if we can get to know them for their good, bad, and ugly we can open our hearts to them. By opening ourselves to others, it leaves room for them to open their hearts to us. Because, again, if we are taking the time to get to know a person, the total person, they are going to feel that. They are going to notice the effort, they are going to feel the beginnings of a connection, and they are going to get closer to losing their own hatred.

In the situation of divorce, the hatred can turn back to love. This will likely not be the same love that once existed. Depending on what occurred in the relationship, that original love might be lost. But another love can replace it; an amicable love that allows the two people to co-exist peacefully or perhaps a love for their mutual children that allows them to co-parent and not cause their children additional harm. But again, that will require taking time to listen, understand, and allow that person space in your heart. Maybe this will not be as big of a space as they used to fill, but it is still a space.

There are many things that need to change in our country and in our world. We need to improve systems so that there is equality of the races and genders. We need to improve health care so that everyone has access. We need to bring down the price of higher education so that everyone has a chance to improve themselves. We need to promote the trades so that we can continue to receive the services that we need in our communities. We need to reset our priorities so that athletes and celebrities aren’t the highest paid people in society… The list goes on and on. But in order for all of that to occur, the starting point, the stepping stone, is to get to know one another so we can let the hate leave our hearts and let love in. If we let love in, we can, as a society, work together for the common good. We can stop rejecting ideas because we think they are coming from the wrong groups of people. We can stop rejecting facts because they conflict with the prejudices that we have been holding onto. We need to start somewhere. So pick someone and start with them. Maybe it’s a family member, a neighbor, a coworker; pick someone and challenge yourself to listen, to learn, and ultimately to love… In the end, you will feel better, and with a little luck, they will too.