Life is weird right now…
I haven’t been on here in a few weeks. Life tends to take its twists and turns, especially this year. I tend to reserve Tuesdays to do my writing. I missed July 14th. That was my Clara’s birthday. She should have been turning 19. Instead I’ve spent 17 birthdays without her. I’ve come a long way in my grief, but the pandemic we are currently experiencing seemed to push me back a bit. It was a lot harder this time than I anticipated. I was sad for a few days beforehand. I also did not schedule myself off from work that day. That turned out to be a mistake. I never wanted her birthday to ever be just a “regular” day. But I went to work and got through it. A coworker of mine helped by bringing in a special cookie cake to honor my sweet girl. It had a giant, frosted lady bug on it that was absolutely perfect! However, I could not get myself to write my blog that day. It was just too hard. So I made the evening hers. I looked at all the beautiful pictures we have to remember her by. I’m so glad we took so many. It still makes me sad that there aren’t any new ones. I do love to find a new picture that someone else took, that reminds me of a memory that got lost in the cobwebs of my brain.
And then on the the next Tuesday, the 21st, I was sick and did not have the energy/motivation to write. With this particular illness, I experienced some new surreal experiences related to COVID. My illness had some symptoms that resemble the COVID symptoms. This made it so I could not go into the office (I’m a clinical social worker in a BOCES program by day.), and was required to work from home. I would have had to self-quarantine for 2 weeks if I didn’t get a COVID test. It took a little time to get through all the steps of calling Human Resources, then calling the doctor as they recommended, then filling out the questionnaire on line for the COVID test, and finally, making an appointment for the test. Then I got to go to the testing center. What a surreal experience that was! I assume it is the National Guard that runs it as everyone was wearing fatigues. The signs say to keep your windows closed, but then they come to your window and try to give you directions while speaking through masks and a glass window. So there was a bit of pantomime going on as I figured out that I need to show my ID and my appointment confirmation. (I was a bit disappointed that they didn’t all wear their masks properly. I mean really, the swab goes up our nose, so one would think that the nose is the most important body part to keep covered! But anyway, they were only infecting each other since the rest of us were in our cars with the windows up.) The storage units used for offices, the big tent with all the medical personnel inside, the people in fatigues outside… who would have thought this would be happening in upstate New York? I got the test done. It only took 10 seconds. I had to wait for the results, so had to spend the rest of the week working from home. It turned out to be negative and was likely just a summer cold, but the concerns about COVID kept me from sharing it with my coworkers. I’m hoping that’s one of the good lessons that will come out of this experience. We shouldn’t be pushing ourselves to keep working when we are sick, it just makes everyone around us get sick as well and that is not good for anyone. I was so grateful for coworkers who covered some visits for me. We are also learning who our friends are through this ordeal…
So anyway, I’m getting myself back on track and back to my writing. Here I am, in the midst of this pandemic, still grieving for a daughter who died 17 years ago, starting a business, helping my 17 year old daughter plan for her senior pictures photo shoot, writing a blog, working full time, and dealing with some autoimmune issues. It’s a weird time. Most national disasters have more of a definite end. We easily hunker down at home for a couple of days during the storm and then move on afterwards to cleaning up, rebuilding, and getting back to living. We do this after a flood, hurricane, tornado… But with a pandemic, it keeps going on and on. We hunkered down for as long as we thought we could. Then everyone started questioning, when do we go back to living? There’s no definite steps to take to get back to living. We have to just keep living while facing so much uncertainty. We know that wearing masks and social distancing will slow the spread so that hospitals do not get overrun and everyone can get treatment who needs it, but no one knows how long we will have to live this way. And no one knows how to get everything back open in a safe way.
Working in a school during this time has been absolutely bizarre. For those of us who work in schools, it is in our nature to want to be in the physical presents of the children we are working with. We were not allowed to do that until this summer, when special education services were approved for in person sessions . For my program, that has been as home visits, not in a school building. And two weeks into it, I got sick. Is that how reopening will be in the fall? Will everyone get sick from something, whether COVID or not, and then not be able to come back into the building until symptoms have resolved for two weeks or negative test results are confirmed? Schools won’t be open for long before they are closed again if that is the case.
And I’m starting a business during this time. There is nothing I want more than to meet my new clients in person. I long to sit with them in a room and hear their stories and guide them towards healing. Instead I interact with them virtually. They don’t know me. How do I help them feel safe with me when I’m only a face on a screen? And what happens when technology is imperfect and I can’t get my message across as lovingly as I want to? I so hope I can convey the hope for healing that I know that they desperately need.
Life is weird right now. We are all balancing the challenges of regular life, that are often unbelievably challenging on their own, with the challenges of a pandemic. People still get diagnosed with cancer. Divorces still happen. Kids are still growing up and going through their various stages of development. All of this is happening while this pandemic is looming out there, making us less sure of ourselves and where we are heading, making us question our current way of life and the disparities that are getting bigger and more apparent because of this pandemic. Our political parties are at each other’s throats instead of working in a nonpartisan way to figure out how to keep our citizens safe from COVID, safe from civil unrest, safe from financial despair, safe from a national mental health crisis…
So what can we do? As small individuals in our small neighborhoods, in our small communities, what can we do to impact the greater good? To bring people together? To make sure that we survive this and come out stronger and healthier? For one, we need to do what we know to be right.
So, step one: Keep yourself and your family healthy. Wear a mask, wash your hands, and keep your distance from people who don’t live in your house with you. You can still have some social experiences, they just need to be altered so that social distancing can be maintained and everyone can remain healthy.
Step two: Be a good example. Be kind. Help people. Follow the safety guidelines. Praise people for doing the right thing. Thank people for being kind to you. Apologize when you make a mistake or realize that you were misinformed.
Step three: Listen. Listen to your family, your friends, and your neighbors. Try to listen out of love. Listen to the pain that is behind the words. Listen to the scientists. Listen to the experts. Listen for the truth. Do some research to be sure you are listening to people who are speaking from facts and evidence and not just from propaganda.
Step four: Make your voice be heard. Whether it’s in your workplace, your school district, your town, county, state or federal government, speak up and be heard. Don’t be afraid to say when you think that things are not being handled correctly. Make sure you have your facts straight and let yourself be heard. If you’ve always been quiet, then people are more likely to listen if you speak up now. The loud mouths get most of the attention most of the time. However, when the quiet ones speak up, it silences the room. So, if you’ve been waiting for the right time. The time is now. Our nation is at a turning point. It’s up to us to maintain democracy. We need to speak up. And most importantly, we need to vote!
Step five: Be patient with yourself. You are surviving a pandemic. You’ve never experienced anything like this before. You are going to make mistakes. You are going to fall a few times. Be patient with yourself. Learn from your mistakes. Remind yourself that you are strong. Pick yourself back up and keep moving along. You aren’t in this alone. Together we will survive!
Thank you for reading to the end. I hope to keep up my writing. Please be patient with me if life gets hectic and time passes between posts. Know that I’m thinking of you and sending you healing vibes! You can always send me messages if you have concerns you need to talk to someone about. I’m here for you.